Personal Poetry Collection: Keys of an Empath

These poems are dedicated with love to all of the sensitive, empathic people of the world who are simply trying their best.

**************************************** Dearest reader, Thank you for reading my brief selection of poetry. It truly means the world to me. In 2019, I wrote and assembled Keys of an Empath in a way where every poem title corresponds to a piano key’s letter name and note. And just like piano keys, these poems (and their preceding haikus) serve as reminders that in the midst of life’s darkness—in the midst of life’s staleness and sharpness—there are glimpses of brighter tones. too.

Although some of my sentiments have changed since these poems were written, I hope they may be used as a balm for your own healing. With love, Em F. Pathos (@empathosa) ****************************************

C note (C) - I am a chameleon I am loneliest in a room full of people. Less lonely alone. — Em F. Pathos

I am a chameleon. I love people for their colors, adjusting my hues to compliment their own, revealing the parts of me that suit their tone. My insides undiscovered, I protect my inner blues and blend into every zone, leaving my truest self at home, unknown. Perhaps I should forgive the world for failing to see my many shades when I hide myself away through camouflage. But what if camouflage is how I best serve all the others, while my brightest and deepest colors are meant for me and me alone? **************************************** C-sharp note (C#) - I am conflict It always returns to myself vs. myself. The hardest battle. — Em F. Pathos

I am conflict. I am the calm as well as the storm, the rose’s sweet balm but also its thorn. A heavenly psalm masking a couple of horns, a piece of chiffon that’s been tattered and torn. My feelings are long yet my words remain short, and though I do not belong, I still try to conform— like a majestic swan that swims close to the shore, or a ship that yearns to sail on while it ties itself to the port. "Am I right or am I wrong?"

My own progress I thwart. These mental battles are long… No more, please, No more. I must stop dropping bombs, I must stop inner wars. Though I’m messily drawn, I’ll embrace my art form for the self-loathing's dragged on— it’s time to be reborn. **************************************** D-flat note (Db) - I am dissonance My mind keeps running in spite of my heart's stillness. They rip me in half. — Em F. Pathos

I am dissonance. A lack of harmony among my notes, a lack of harmony between my inner world and what is shown. A safer bet? Speaking in tongues, speaking through quotes: a way to mend the inconsistency without using my own voice just yet and risk the world resisting me. Dissonance is how I believe in one thing but sometimes speak a different truth. Dissonance is how I was born with wings but never fly too far from the group. Dissonance is how I may think and feel with my heart but then act from the rational mind. Dissonance is how I sink in my spilled hurts but repeatedly say that I’m fine. I feel like I’m on the verge of inner accord, a chord that sounds more like me, but the fingerprints of those I’ve always adored still linger upon my keys— through the remnants of notes that no longer resonate inside, my past limiting beliefs that should have wilted and died. But for once and for all, I can decide to cast all of the old notes aside, to have my own unique melody amplified, my truths harmonized and sung with great pride. For the dissonance has imprisoned me— I ask for deliverance from its captivity. No more resistance of self from here on out, only sounds of deep resonance and inner peace. **************************************** D note (D) - I am duality My worst enemy and my greatest defender. Somehow I am both. — Em F. Pathos

I am duality. artist and canvas

balance and madness calmness… anxiety disclosure… privacy emotional and cold fearful and bold gratitude and rantings harvest and plantings idealistic and earthy justice and mercy kindness and hardness lightness and darkness masculine and feminine nonconforming chameleon ordinary but unmatched passionate yet detached quiet and loud rescues others, drowns sage-like but foolish tangerine-like and bluish unscathed although broken valleys and oceans withholds—lets go X’s and O’s yin and yang zero… everything. I am duality. I am beyond it. **************************************** D-sharp note (D#) - I am a deer Your essence may stay,

but the dense feelings you hold

can only visit.

— Em F. Pathos

I am a deer— in the headlights mostly, though sometimes I prance too, if ever I should listen closely and find my heart’s music to dance to. This is rare though, I’ll admit, as most passersby have the ability to stop me dead in my tracks for I absorb their light instantly—bang!—like that, full feedback from several feet back no matter how bright or dim their emission. My admission? You say I’m a 'dear' for being quiet and well-behaved, but please don’t fawn over the supposed obedience, I’m simply tired and frayed. I’m stuck in flight or fight mode and can’t see down the road past your roaring engine pouring energy into me— your headlights blinding me with fear. And that’s how we ended up on this conversational road over here: You speaking loudly, lamenting and brooding. Me standing cowardly cemented… unmoving. **************************************** E-flat note (Eb) - I am an elevator Either lift me up or gently place me back down. I ache in limbo. — Em F. Pathos

I am an elevator. Through repeated ups and downs and highs and lows, I am a secret space in the wall, sheltering the ones I love from all things chaotic in the outside world, sheltering the ones I love from the Thirteenth Floors of life. They often seek out my help to get to their next level, all the while expressing the fear of feeling claustrophobic in my midst, the fear of getting stuck here with me. How foolish, my love, I do not want to trap you, I only wish to elevate you simply because you asked me to. Impatient if I am too slow to greet them each morning, they repeatedly push my buttons until I meet them at their level, often forgetting that they’re not my only passenger in this Time and Life building. It’s not their fault though, I continue to let them in. I let everybody in— my heart is a box full of strangers. I myself break down sometimes too, though guiltily, for I know that wearing an Out of Service sign will cause major inconveniences. People are not used to having to take the stairs when you have been carrying them (through caring for them) only noticing this luxury when it stops… when you break and can no longer partake, temporarily shutting down your doors. Will I always be seen as an in-between state? A place that takes everyone else to where they need to go? A place that takes them home? For I, too, would like to be somebody’s home someday— an end-of-the-day resting place, and not just a transitory space left abandoned and suspended in mid-air whenever my own surrounding floors are ablaze. **************************************** E note (E) - I am empathy The love you send out will find its way home to you. It was always yours. — Em F. Pathos

I am empathy. Em meaning in, pathos evoking feeling: in feeling for them it is I also healing. Interconnected, threads between us exist— invisible, undetected, linking souls and both wrists. From their heart to mine I just can’t find a space as life’s weight on their spine reflects back on my face. Some days I seek cover to protect my own base, but loving another is never a waste. For even one-sided dynamics are not truly one way as the broken ceramics piece back together one day— creating a chalice for a love that sustains: a love to fill us with balance, a love to heal our past pains. This love is ours, it’s not new but what we unconsciously redirected from ourselves to those who were also neglected. So keep pouring love out, it’ll return to your own cup, and if you’re ever in drought: open those floodgates back up. **************************************** F note (F) - I am a frozen lake Storms brew inside me, but not one of my raindrops reaches their window. — Em F. Pathos

I am a frozen lake, from afar, seemingly thick and opaque, though I instantly break the second one grazes me with sharpness or tenderness. Ice on the surface, the life beneath me is complex… deeply expressive, deeply emotive, deeply alive. A thin sheet of coldness and, at times, reckless boldness— I appear much stronger than I am. I thought my newly emerging, intense currents signified me diverging and becoming less content, but I now see it’s the opposite: My ice is melting. My numbness is thawing. Spring has arrived. I'm not flowing into rage, I'm ebbing from [im]passivity. Dissociating from dissociation. A drop closer to peace of mind. A degree warmer to my authentic self. **************************************** F-shap note (F#) - I am a fire Burning obsession or a cold indifference. I yearn to know warmth. — Em F. Pathos

I am a fire whose flames you’ve tirelessly attempted to light through snow, sleet and rain in the darkness of night. I am a fire no longer desired once it is I you ignite, as you refuse to replenish my flames and to keep love aflight. Why even bother setting a fire like me ablaze when you will not sit and bask in my heat? I patiently wait for someone who stays and proudly occupies your vacant seat. **************************************** G-flat note (Gb) - I am the guitar For endless music, please take time to learn my keys. Patience reaps rewards.

— Em F. Pathos

I am the guitar. I seem simple upon first glance, but my six strings of Empathy

Anxiety

Darkness

Gentleness

Balance

Expression

can be played in countless ways.

My chord variations may overwhelm you at first—

my combinations seem endless.

But don’t fret.

Unlock my keys,

learn their transitions and changes.

Although I might not appear to be soft around the edges

with my steel strings creating calluses on your fingertips,

the discomfort will lessen over time.

For if you take the time to learn me slowly,

I will always be there to gently weep with you,

as the sunshine of my love

shines down on your heart of gold,

infusing you with more strength and momentum

to join me up the stairway to heaven.

But until then, please strum me kindly.

Don’t pluck at my strings—

I respond to how you treat me.

I want to be in tune with you, but I will not

tone

myself

down

for

you.

I was whole and complete before you picked me off of the shelf—

but that doesn’t mean that I’ve never dreamt of being held,

or of enjoying life’s melodies with someone outside of myself.

**************************************** G note (G) - I am the giraffe I am who I am. I will not relearn myself through another’s mouth.

— Em F. Pathos

I am the giraffe.

Once resembling the young giraffe struggling to walk

whenever I tried to express my feelings and deeper thoughts,

I’ve now begun to embrace its greater attributes, like being mystical and unique,

as I proudly elongate my neck to find the answers that I seek.

I am starting to feel worthy of the highest acacia leaves on the tree.

I am starting to stand too tall to hear the earthly perceptions of me.

Those remarks drift further away now, the ones about my head being in the clouds—

they’re only an indication of how I dream, and can peer into different realms.

I was born a giraffe after all, I cannot bury my head like an ostrich.

I only look back down at the ground when I have a specific thirst to quench,

like the thirst to explore my shadow side in the water’s reflection of the moon,

or the need to retrace my footprints’ path among the mountainous sand dunes.

After years of self-criticism, I finally embrace the horn on my third eye.

This doesn’t mean that I’ll treat two-horned animals as if I’m on a throne or sanctified.

I want them to love, respect, and appreciate themselves through and through,

but growing up, all I ever wanted from them was to be accepted, too.

****************************************

G-sharp note (G#) - I am a garden

Eternal garden

of the soul, each life a chance

to plant something new.

— Em F. Pathos

I am a garden of eerie thoughts

overflowing from dreary-shaped pots,

growing out of heavy soil.

I am a plant bed of irrational fears

neatly trimmed by gardening shears,

though deeply grim from my roots that have spoiled.

I navigate my mind’s garden like an amateur gardener

who, more like a wanderer, stops to admire her

few flowers in full bloom.

For it takes them so long to grow

I often forget about those

new seeds to sow—

the other weeds to pull

that have long overgrown.

So while there is blossoming to celebrate,

there is more awesomeness to cultivate.

Still, I stagnate.

Most days, it simply feels like too much land

for my two trembling hands

to continue to mend solo.

Nonetheless, I stick to my blueprints and plans

at the heavy expense

of others’ demands and goals.

For I know that one would like if I grew tulips

while another would prefer daffodils—

few will appreciate my garden as is

as the rest of them run for the hills.

I cannot accommodate the competing chatter

and so, at every turn, I’ve decided to scatter

the seeds that I’ve gathered

for kinder thought patterns

and whatever soft flowers I’ll delight in.

For this is my garden

to welcome the light in

and, within it, to feel whole and right again.

****************************************

A-flat note (Ab) - I am an alchemist How to make you whole and not break myself apart: a balancing act. — Em F. Pathos

I am an alchemist,

and an emotional one at that—

always yearning to transmute feelings

and explore deep-rooted meanings

in the pursuit of one’s healing.

In my element,

I hold the power to reinvent—

the desire to rid you of your discontent.

I’ll pour soft emotion onto your raging flames

and leave your anger ashen,

ground the parts of you that appear airy and vain,

or fan your dormant passions.

Whatever elemental combination

required for your purification,

balance and transformation:

I’m ready to go.

Let’s convert the lead into gold.

Let’s renew the dead and old.

Yet, with my philosopher’s stone, I keep a tight hold…

I fear its misuse in another’s hands.

I fear that the others’ pursuit of my gold

is disguised as good intentions,

but that, in letting them in, my firm no’s

will forever be alchemized into yeses.

For my personal limits and boundaries

are rarely accepted as enough,

and even my closest camaraderies

somehow manage to take on

this assumption and belief

that there will always be

their eternal consumption and relief

through my alchemy.

****************************************

A note (A) - I am an anchor

Soul scuba diving:

Immersed in my own waters,

I finally breathe.

— Em F. Pathos

I am an anchor.

Often feeling a strong urge

to lower myself down

and be completely submerged

and emotionally purged

by the waters in which I wish to drown.

But into what kind of marinas?

Into what kind of oceans?

Those of my beloved interests and ideas,

and the newly found freedom

to explore all of my deepest emotions.

Anchoring myself into safe places,

I hide away from the sun for some time—

the deep waters act as cleansing spaces,

as warm caresses and embraces,

to gently rebalance my overflooded mind.

Unswayed and unmoving,

my love for these waters will not change,

comprised of every book and film that moves me—

every song and poem that soothes me

as I lay down in seabeds of life’s hurts and life’s pains.

Thus, I thank you, Seas of Solitude

for giving my ship’s anchor the perfect home,

for before I ever discovered you,

I anchored everyone else’s sullen moods

and continued to neglect my very own.

****************************************

A-sharp note (A#) - I am acceptance

To set myself free,

I embrace all that I am

and all I can be.

— Em F. Pathos

I am acceptance.

Accepting myself,

accepting the others.

Accepting my shell,

accepting its colors.

Accepting my depths

and what darkness lurks under.

Accepting my breath

up life’s mountains of wonder.

Accepting my myth

filled with moonbeams and monsters.

Accepting my gifts

and the dreams that I conjure.

Breaking free to propel—

growing out of the rough dirt.

Breaking free to rebel—

shedding all of my comforts.

Breaking free from my cell,

climbing out of the gutters.

Breaking free from this hell

into less scorching summers.

Breaking free from this realm

in the search of new waters.

Breaking free like gazelles,

breaking free like the otters.

Accepting my path

and the times that I’ve suffered—

Breaking free from the past

for there’s new life to uncover.

****************************************

B-flat note (Bb) - I am a body

Life’s complexity:

my soul choosing a body

that my mind resists.

— Em F. Pathos

I am a body

though I forget this at times—

even as I watch my hand trace under this line.

Would I sound too scientifically unrefined

if I said that I feel like

soul first,

then body and mind?

For although my mind can be somewhat shrewd,

the brain has its limitations in this body, too.

Even in my pursual of objective truths,

it distracts me with subjective feelings

and memories of my youth.

I know I shouldn’t complain or brood—

I know this vessel is only an interlude.

But still, this is why the human experience sometimes seems crude:

a) I am bound by this skin and these bones,

b) I must try to convey my essence with limited tones,

c) I am born, reborn, and unborn again alone,

d) all of the above, while feeling far away from home.

The stars from which I emerged just seem too distant.

I want to go back, but my soul is persistent:

“Stay put, you have important work here to do.”

I’m part of the earth for now: the universe’s zoo.

But how do I uncage myself?

How do I speak my truths if others only see the vessel I’m in,

letting my spots and stripes take away from my soul’s messaging?

How do I resolve my outsides and insides not matching?

How do I aid loneliness without further detaching?

Perhaps tracing the thread between my mind, body and soul is a must,

for I can only appreciate my time here if I remember that I’m stardust.

****************************************

B note (B) - I am a ball of rubber bands

You called me the word,

but I picked up the label

and wounded myself.

— Em F. Pathos

I am a ball of rubber bands:

a collection and internalization

of various strands of judgment.

I never reacted to

their misunderstandings and mislabels

in the first place

which

(unconsciously)

latched onto me

and became knots inside of my chest,

forcing me, only now, to untie them

one.

by.

one.

so that I may lightly step into

my next level

of self-transformation.

“That's not me!”

“Neither is this!”

It's tedious—

(The untangling.)

It's painful—

(The stinging of the rubber on my hands.)

It’s necessary—

(The weight of each label has become too heavy for me to carry.)

****************************************

C note (C) - I am color

A spectrum of light—

colors beyond black and white.

One brush can’t paint me.

— Em F. Pathos

I am color.

Red heart, I readily ask you

to help me uncover my enclosed truths—

to help me erase

the look of disgrace

Or anger that appears on the skin

of my being;

to go within,

Yell, own up to my inner commotion,

and free myself of all lower emotion.

Up ahead, a newer notion:

Green lights to a better life,

a deadening strife—

a truer me

finally taking flight.

Blues shall no longer stay

as I begin to embrace the softened ways

of today’s

Indigo children—

Violently collapsing from the labels,

categories and expectations

placed on me

that caused my guilt,

shame and anger

initially.

****************************************

I’ve been biding time

and hiding my true colors.

The hourglass broke.

— Em F. Pathos

****************************************

© 2019 Em F. Pathos (@empathosa)

All rights reserved.

No part of this may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or resold in any form including, but not limited to, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, with the exception of quotes for personal use, without the prior written permission of the author.